She Would Be Four

Today, December 1st, my little girl Grace would be turning four, if she were still with us.

The last few years, this has been an awful day for me.  I would cry.  I would become deeply depressed for many days before and after this date, and I would become almost impossible to live with on the day, my grief was so great.

Last year was a little less dramatic.  I lit a candle.  I remembered her. 

This year, I am going to dinner with my husband and to a movie with a friend.  I did light a candle.  I did remember her.  I did cry just a little, but at some point we have to let the joy in living overshadow the pain of what we've lost.  Holding onto that wish for what wasn't meant to be in our lives only hurts us.

And it isn't honoring her memory to be hurting.  Honoring her memory is living, loving, and being a family despite what happened, and being grateful that she blessed our lives for a little while. There are wonderful things on the horizon for us in the upcoming year, and I refuse to allow the pain of the past to tarnish the sunshine of the present.

I love you Grace.  I always will.  Thank you for being a part of my life and for making me a mother. I will always miss you, but now I can smile when I think of you and the blessings you brought to our life.  I suspect you'd like that better anyway.