3 x 3 Gratitude

Life is so full of things to be grateful for.  Maybe three things, three times a week isn't enough.  Or maybe it's just right - so that I'll never run out!

This little cuddle monkey:

Onyx joined our family this past summer, and I've truly never known a snugglier cat.  He can be rather demanding when he needs attention, and his preferred spot?  Right in my face.

But who can say no to someone that is that full of love?  Not me.

Then again, he makes me more grateful for oxygen when he makes it this hard to breathe!

Walking with these two:

There was a time when I didn't know if I'd ever get to do this again.  Such a simple thing, but I've had

my own close calls, health wise, and they affected my mobility.  But the freedom and ability to simply walk through my neighborhood come evening with those I love is such a blessing.

Playful, joyful love

My husband recently went away - just for one night - and brought this sweet balloon home for me the next day.  He predicted that I would squeal, and I didn't disappoint.

I love that our love is fun, playful and indulgent.  I love that we can be child like just for fun, and that we can enjoy the simple things.  And the fact that I can tell he is always thinking about me when he's away?  Completely priceless.




What are you grateful for today?  Are you remembering to look for the little things that make life joyful?

I am so very grateful for...

Cherry Blossoms

My front tree is covered in blossoms right now.  Every time I leave the house and every time I come home, I am innundated with their beautiful fragrance.  Perfection in each delicate petal.

I can't help it; they fill me with joy on sight!  I'm thankful for them, for spring, for the husband who helped me plant this dwarf cherry five years ago, for everything about the experience of having them in my life.

Canada....

Only in Canada will you find yourself driving down the highway behind a guy with a hockey stick on his bike.  Seriously.  It's so Canadian I can't help but laugh, and be grateful that I live here to see such sights.

Driving With This Guy

He's the best. Road trips are the best.  Springtime in the car, next to him, music blasting, wind in my hair, it's all the best.








What are you grateful for today?

Gratitude

Traveling with my husband

I am so lucky that I get to travel sometimes with my husband to his conferences.  It leads me to fun places and adventures I never would get to experience otherwise.

This most recent trip has been to Edmonton, where we stayed at the Staybridge Inn and Suites - which I adore.  The people here are the nicest I've ever experienced in a hospitality environment since we stayed at the Aria in Vegas.  The hotel is beautiful and fun and quiet and lovely.  I feel so lucky to get to be on this trip, and just have the chance to relax in an incredible environment.

I guess this is a double gratitude - both for my trip and for the company my husband works for which allows me this opportunity to travel with him and experience these places and things.

Our fabulous petsitter

Anyone who knows me knows how very, very much my animals mean to me.  We used to bring Ivy -
our dog - with us whenever we travelled, but as she's gotten older she's been less interested in long car trips (and more interested in napping with her kitties on the sofa).  My cats, of course, are not fond at all of anything outside of their home turf!

We found a fantastic pet-sitting service, locally, and they are a life saver.  I'm so grateful to feel like my animals are safe and happy while we are gone.  (You can find our petsitting service here: Happy Returns).

Dude, it's spring!

While autumn is my favourite season, I can't help but love Spring almost as much.  The green everywhere, flowers starting to bloom, and fresh smell of ozone after spring rain is balm to a winter-hardened soul.






What are you grateful for today?

Lucky

Some might say that I've had some bad luck in my life.  Maybe a little bit more than most people.  When I watch things like footage of Nepal earthquake survivors I question that.  Instead, I think that I am actually quite remarkably lucky.

I've gotten out of practice, though, in practicing gratitude for that luck in my life.  After we lost our daughter, Grace, my grief counselor suggested that I use my creativity to mount an art journal project about the things that made my life beautiful.  It remains, to this day, one of my favourite things.  I still look back at it from time to time, when I need a little lift.

Since I have begun blogging again, I've struggled with what I should write about.  I haven't worked as a writer in almost two years now, so the original intent of this blog - to write about the world of writing - is hard to keep up.  And I have a feeling that the multitudes of book reviews aren't necessarily fun reading, especially if you also follow me on GoodReads!  So, my plan is to create a new place to practice gratitude, right in this space.  I'm challenging myself to articulate three things I am grateful for, at least three times per week, and I'd like to challenge you to join me on that path.

You don't have to post yours here - though I'd be honored if you chose to do so.  But I challenge you to think on it, to find the bright lights in your life, to seek out that which makes your days more beautiful and full of life and to acknowledge that.  Point out your lucky moments, your loved moments, your times when stars align - whether that moment is large or small.  Be open to finding joy in the ticking of an old clock or the scent of flowers and remember, just for a little while, how lucky you truly are.

My Friends

I am truly blessed with some of the most remarkable friends in the universe.  I am beyond grateful to have them in my life, and each and every one of them makes me smile and feel a tingle of warmth in my heart during every interaction.  During the hard times I have recently gone through, they have been there to listen, to surround me with friendship, to show up with wine and crafts, to get me out of the house for a coffee and a chat, to text me just to say hi and see if I'm doing okay.  They've answered the phone when I'm crying and can barely talk.  They have said "I don't know what I can do, but I am here," when being there was just what I needed.  They've offered unconditional support and love, even if they might not have understood what I was going through.  They have made me laugh, watched movies with me, kept my heart joyful and my face smiling.

Recently, some of them sent me flowers on Mother's Day, to remind me that I'm not alone.  They kept what might have been a hard time from being overwhelming.  All of them have helped keep me from drowning in their own way, and I am so, so thankful they are in my life.  I would not have made it through this, or much of life, without them.

I can't imagine where I would be without them.  Without a doubt, I am lucky to have them, and grateful for their presence in my life.

My Mom's Increase in Health

My mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a number of years ago, and it was with great sadness that I watched her health and mobility decline as a result.  But I am so very, very proud of the fact that she has taken her health into her own hands and has begun getting healthy.  She works out regularly, has lost fifty pounds, and has had both knees replaces - by the way, she's doing so well in her post-surgery physical therapy that her PT said he can't believe her last surgery was so recent!.

I worry about my mom, especially since we live far enough apart that I can't be there to help her when she needs it.  But her own hard work makes my worry so much less, and I'm so happy that when we do get chances to spend time together now, she is much more mobile and able to do things (we recently went to the Mall of America - something a few years ago she never could have done!) and much, much happier and more relaxed.  I'm so grateful that she is doing better, and that her health means we will likely have many, many more years to spend together.

My Marriage

My husband isn't  last on my list - don't think there is a specific order here.  I love him beyond all measure.

And I nearly lost him.

We have never had a troubled marriage, not until the last year and a half or so.  The stress on both of us was so great that I often worried whether or not we would be able to make it to the other side of this storm.  He is, by far, the most important person in my life, and I'm not sure after so many years together, exactly where I end and he begins.  We are that intertwined.  But we also struggled, and had to work hard to put our relationship in a place of priority and to heal things between us.  We are not perfect, and neither is our marriage.  We are, however, mated for life, in both our estimations.  We believe we are soul mates, but even between soul mates a distance can grow.  Resentments can simmer.  Anger can fester like an infected wound.

It takes careful keeping to ensure that you are both taken care of as individuals and that your marriage, the piece that is the both of you as one, is taken care of as well.  Distances can be re-closed, wounds can heal, and romance can bloom again, and he has proven that to me time and again.  I love him with a depth that makes my chest ache, and I am so very, very grateful for his presence in my life and for the stability and safety of our marriage together.

What are you grateful for today?

Paper Pregnant

I'm coming out of the closet: I'm paper pregnant.

Now, some of you either already know about this or suspected, based on things I've said or hinted at over the last couple of months. And others of you may find this term offensive, as I've seen hinted at on the adoption boards I frequent, but I don't care.

When, on the last day of our training, the social worker announced that we were now "paper pregnant", the term resonated with me, and I fell in love with the idea. We still have cross-cultural training to do (this Saturday!) and a half day left of FASD training since one of the social workers was sick on the day we were scheduled, but we're moving into the waiting process.

It's funny, the first time I was pregnant, I read tons and tons of pregnancy, birth, and baby books. Now it's adoption, child-raising, and special needs oriented books. Before we planned a nursery, and now we're planning bedrooms. Before, and now... it's better now because I'm not sick, but it's scarier now because there isn't a set "due date".

I haven't wanted to talk about it much because it's such a long process with so little news here and there, and so fielding a lot of questions about where we were is sad and difficult sometimes.  The waiting is so hard on us, especially when we want to have our family home with us so badly.  So instead of having lots of conversations, how about I update you all here?  Sound good?

Richard and I are adopting.  Yay!  We've done a lot of researching and investigating and considering where and how.  We stopped and started and stopped again.  We decided against international and private domestic in general (though we are open to private domestic if it drops in our laps somehow, which is possible - part of why I'm "coming out") and began in-depth pursuit of public domestic adoption.

Last night we were out with a large group of friends, and we mentioned something about adoption.  A friend across the table looked up and said, "I wish I'd known, as I have a friend who was looking for a family for her 2-week-old, but I think she found someone now."  Oh, did my heart ache in that moment.  By keeping our journey private, were we cutting off the universe from possibly sending beautiful possibilities our way?  Maybe.  Or maybe it was just a wake-up call for me to be open about this, because what is meant to be is going to be, and if that baby was meant to be ours, they would be ours.  But by being open about this, we are at least not closing off that avenue.

Lastly, for my local friends, if a match comes unexpectedly quickly (which can happen, in some circumstances) I would love to hear from you if you are willing to loan us a car seat, booster seat, and/or travel crib/cradle/toddler bed short term if we're matched suddenly and need a little time to shop!  It would be helpful for me to have a list of people I could call in case of emergency. We were told a story of one of our social workers calling a couple and saying, "Sooo, I have a baby for you at the hospital that needs to be picked up!"  That's rare of course, and we're expecting a toddler and up age-range wise but it could still happen. And better to be prepared just in case than to be tearing my hair out at the last minute.

We're scared.  We're excited.  We're happy.  We're on an emotional roller-coaster just like any pregnant couple, even if our added weight is a giant binder of paperwork and our doctor's visits are actually visits with social workers. We miss the family we want to bring home, and can't wait for them to arrive.  I hope you can share in our excitement on this amazing journey.

She Would Be Four

Today, December 1st, my little girl Grace would be turning four, if she were still with us.

The last few years, this has been an awful day for me.  I would cry.  I would become deeply depressed for many days before and after this date, and I would become almost impossible to live with on the day, my grief was so great.

Last year was a little less dramatic.  I lit a candle.  I remembered her. 

This year, I am going to dinner with my husband and to a movie with a friend.  I did light a candle.  I did remember her.  I did cry just a little, but at some point we have to let the joy in living overshadow the pain of what we've lost.  Holding onto that wish for what wasn't meant to be in our lives only hurts us.

And it isn't honoring her memory to be hurting.  Honoring her memory is living, loving, and being a family despite what happened, and being grateful that she blessed our lives for a little while. There are wonderful things on the horizon for us in the upcoming year, and I refuse to allow the pain of the past to tarnish the sunshine of the present.

I love you Grace.  I always will.  Thank you for being a part of my life and for making me a mother. I will always miss you, but now I can smile when I think of you and the blessings you brought to our life.  I suspect you'd like that better anyway.

Needlework 1: Starting Threads

In which you get to see a tiny shot of a Christmas present I'm making for my husband.  There's a much better shot in the next video in this series, which I made tonight and should be posted in a few days.  I'm worried about finishing it in time but I think he's going to love it.  No telling him what it is, now!  He's been banned from watching the videos already!

Creatively Techie

Probably akin more to this

My husband and I are both creative souls, but in vastly different ways.  I write creative and not-so creative things.  I create beautiful things.  I sing.  He programs computers to do his bidding, codes long strings of letters and numbers that look like something that happens when I bang my head on the keyboard, and he makes pixels do interesting things on small screens.  He also complains that sometimes, when he talks about work, I glaze over.  I have this image of myself with my mouth drooped open, a tiny rivulet of drool headed down to my chin, with a vacant, after-the-lobotomy-in-one-flew-over-the-cuckoo's-nest stare.  I hope it's not quite that bad.

The truth is, when he starts talking in acronyms I know I'm in trouble.  I know a lot more about computers than many of my friends and family do, so when he talks about setting up permissions on his server I'm good.  When he goes into coding talk, I'm completely lost, but attempt - usually - to look as though I'm still paying attention.  Mentally, I'm preparing a shopping list for the craft store in my head.  Oh, right I need to get more of the 931 embroidery floss and I should look for a nice fluffy yarn for that scarf for Mom's birthday, maybe some homespun?.... Then I glance over at him and am getting the glare.  I've glazed over again.

Still and all, the talk has made some sort of a difference to me.  Recently, some of the basic templates at one of the companies I work for were redone.  Everyone else went "Meh, it looks mostly the same."  Me?  I went "Oh my god, look at all those rounded corners, that took hours!"  Because yeah, it does.  Not on graphics, but on tables and style sheets, those rounded corners are a real pain to get working correctly.  How do I know?  There was a Saturday devoted to that on the new website for my husband's IT business, Effortless IT.* You see, I finally convinced him that always giving away his services is counter-productive.

Just as I'm about to start giving away my own services, by creating free teaching videos for crochet instead of being paid for classes and lessons.  I do this with a higher intent in mind, of course.  As mentioned in a previous post, I am working on building up my application to become an "Expert" at DMS. I am still looking for ideas for future videos, by the by, if you have any suggestions.

The fun part of it all is, my creative outlet has become writing about a computer network/IT guy much like my husband.  In fact, very very much like my husband.  The wife in the story might even be kind of like me.  Her dad is definitely my dad. While the story is fictional, the people are people I know. It's the first time I've written something truly lifted from real people since a crazed fan/stalker thought sure my fiction was "real" back when I was in college and managed to look up and call my parents somehow to talk to them about it.  Talk about creepy.. and the only similarity in that case was that my story was about a girl who went to the same college as me. If you're interested in an excerpt, click the "Read More" below.


Do you write about real people in your fiction, slightly altered from their own reality?  Has it ever had repercussions for you?

*[[Thanks to learning when the glassy eyed stare starts, he's getting really talented at talking about tech subjects in a way that non-techies can understand.  Check out the blog on his site to see what I mean.]]

On Interaction

I want to take a second to say thank you, sincerely, to everyone who has commented here on my blog or on Facebook about my entries here.  There are times when I've felt a little bit like I'm tossing my words off into a great black void.  It's weird; if I don't show anyone my work - like those novels I wrote and lost in our fire before showing a soul - I don't feel nervous at all.  But it feels strange when you're writing and know it's out there somehow, that people can read it, that they might have read it.  Maybe they hated it! Oh god, maybe they think my writing reeks!  Maybe they think I'm a crazy pretentious nutcase!  No, that's only my husband and only because I do thinks like call him obdurate, and then he has to tell me he'd be offended if he knew what I was talking about.

Don't worry, I explained, and he agreed that my assessment was actually correct.

I've finished another five on my trek to read 111 books this year.  My goal to read 50 before my birthday might actually be in sight, though I have a feeling I'll fall a tiny bit short on that one.  Less than a month and a half to go and only halfway...

21. Sickened : the true story of a lost childhood Gregory, Julie

22. Hush: a novel White, Kate

23. The weight of silence Gudenkauf, Heather

24. Sh*t My Dad Says Halpern, Justin

25. Killer takes all Spindler, Erica

I need to not read memoirs involving child abuse any more.  Sickened had me sobbing through a great measure of the book, and feeling the need to go rescue the children in the tale and take them home and smother them with kisses and care.  I know the author is an adult, older than me as a matter of fact, but that didn't change the way my heart reacted.  No more of those for a while.

The Weight of Silence was positively wonderful, on the other hand.  It's a tale of abuse, and secrets, but is fiction so it didn't wreck my heart so horribly.  It's also full of suspense and twisty story lines to keep anyone intrigued.  The tale follows two little girls, best friends.  One has not spoken since she was four years old, due to a traumatic event she witnessed.  One reads her silent friend easily, and has become her voice.  When both mothers awake to discover their children missing one morning, vanished into the woods behind their homes, the ensuing search outs most of the family secrets they both hold. I recommend it highly.

Also, for those wondering how on earth I'm getting through so many books so fast, it's just a matter of setting priorities and choosing books over things like TV and net surfing and games and such.  Because some of the books are audio, I'll listen while I walk, clean the house, cook, work on needle craft or paper crafts and so on.  I have given up on a lot of TV, and haven't even watched one episode of American Idol this year, which will probably shock a good lot of you that've known me for a while.  Plus, I'm choosing all titles that really grab my interest, so that makes it fun.  A challenge like this shouldn't be a chore, but a blessing.

Stealing from the Library

"Isn't that stack a little precarious?"

"Mmm?  What stack?"  I look up from the summer sweater I'm crocheting.  My husband points to the stack of books on the shelf, the bottom book jutting out over the front of the cabinet by at least three inches.  "Oh, probably."

"Are those all library books?"

"Mmm.  Yeah. And a DVD and audiobook."

"You have all those out of the library right now?"

"No.  I have one more on the nightstand."  I offer him a sweet smile.  "And you have at least four or five more out yourself, you know."

"Oh, yeah.  I do."

"Three are cookbooks, I just haven't had time to type the recipes into the computer yet."  I eye the stack.  "It does sometimes feel like stealing to have so many good books at home though..."

"It's not safe to have those books stacked like that.  Not with that around."  He points at the sprawled cat on the floor, who has been running around with a straw in his mouth like a crazed maniac for the last half an hour, and has just now become exhausted.

"I actually had to move the books over there because earlier today he sent them all over the floor.  It was like a cartoon, he was running on top of them and they kept shooting out behind him."

"And this is the safer alternative???"

I had no answer for that.

Things I do when the Husband is out of town:

1. Watch bad made-for-TV disaster movies
2. Eat radishes for lunch
3. Spoil the dog with too many treats
4. Sleep with a light on
5. Spoon his pillow
6. Talk to the cats
7. Organize random stuff
8. Write boring software reviews
9. Simultaneously use facial masks and deep hair conditioning treatments
10. Lush bubble baths
11. Drink Bailey's in the tub
12. Stay up reading til 3 a.m.
13. Sleep late
14. Eat the last of the strawberries
15. Take the dog for ridiculously long walks while engrossed in audiobooks
16. Go fantasy yarn shopping on the internet
17. Go fantasy Lush shopping on the internet
18. Check the caller ID obsessively in case he called while I was out walking the dog
19. Worry
20. Miss him like crazy.  Come home soon.

Valentine's Day came early this year...

Last night, as we struggled in the door late from a tiring day on partially-awful roads visiting libraries tucked into cute little mountainside villages, we discovered a package that had been delivered, and was almost hidden on our little front porch.  "Why is there a diaper on the stairs?" my husband asked.  "Not a diaper.." I muttered, though he was right, the small plastic wrapped package did kind of resemble one, in the dark.. half buried in the snow.

Once inside, I gave him the package, since it was addressed to him, and it was promptly turned over to me.  My husband, he is very sweet, and excellent at shopping, but once a package comes in the mail, he absolutely cannot hold himself back from giving it to me immediately.  It's kind of funny; if he shops in the store, he's just fine about tucking something away until the holiday or birthday, but something about a package in the mail sparks the little kid in him.  And that's just fine with me.

I tore in, of course.  And yay!  It was a cover for my little square 3rd gen nano iPod that I love so much.

A little background on this: I lost my first iPod in our fire, along with my collection of cds and it was really tough on me.  Music has always meant a lot to me, and I wasn't sure how I'd get along without a soundtrack to my life.  One of the first things - in fact *the* first thing after clothing and basic toiletries - that I bought after the fire was a new iPod.  I'm a nano girl for several reasons, not the least of which is that since the thing is attached to me nearly all the time, I prefer small and lightweight to cumbersome and dragging my clothes down.  Never wanted a shuffle though - not enough control over what's playing for me.

Anyway, it happened that at the time, the square nano was on the market, a shape that was soon replaced with the original skinny rectangle.  It never really occurred to me that this would be a problem, until the clip broke on my iPod cover about six months ago.  I started looking for a new cover everywhere we went.  Best Buy.  Future Shop.  Various department and discount and gaming stores.  Nowhere could I find a single cover that would fit my iPod.  There were covers for the new nano touch, and those were square, but not right for my little Rosie.  (Oh yes, she's pink, and named Rosie.  The pink nano I lost in the fire was Rizzo, may she rest in peace).  There were tons of skinny rectangular models that seemed to mock my short, wide little iPod with their runway proportions and designer labels.  I wanted to complain that the stores were sizist but thought they might get the wrong idea.

I gave up, and resigned myself to finding inventive ways of carrying around my iPod.  This usually involved it being tucked somehow into my cleavage or bra.  We got very close over the last few months, Rosie and I. Then, it just became too much trouble.  She started getting ignored.  I started having actual ambient music in the house from the digital music channels.  Then, of course, I would yell at them for not playing enough of whatever it was I wanted to hear that day.  Yeah, those control issues again.

Now though, Rosie has armor again, with a clip *and* a lanyard, which is even better than her previous set of protective gear.  And she's around my neck right now, looking spiffy in her metallic purple gear.  I do have a great husband, and the music is back on.