Amazed by Life

Last night, plagued by insomnia, I was poking around on Facebook, and on a lark, did a search for someone I used to know many, many years ago.  Faced with a page of results, I clicked on I think what was the third one down at random, and it said Hometown: Colorado Springs, CO.  Wow, well that was the home town of the person I used to know, so I sent off a tentative message asking if he was the someone I thought he might be, someone I met in Central America when we were both teenagers.

Believe it or not, it was.  Some force in the universe must have been guiding my mouse.  I'm absolutely in shock and awe.  I know I shouldn't be.  I've found other friends from my high school era on Facebook.  Heck, I've found friends from grammar school there, too.  This, though, it really shocked and surprised me in a beautiful way.  Sometimes life offers you the most amazing little surprises.

I've had a rough time the end of this winter.  I had a bloody awful migraine that had me in bed for four days at the beginning of the month, the worst one I've had in ages.  To top it off, I was severely affected - really, disabled, by the seasonal affective depression that hasn't bothered me since we left Grande Prairie.  It's the lack of winter sunshine, I think.  We don't get much in our new place, and it's been so cold that I haven't been spending much time outdoors.  I cried when it snowed again this week, because I was so devastated that spring hadn't quite sprung.  I created a pink and silver necklace to try to inspire happy, spring thoughts, and it did work to a degree.  But now I have an old friend to catch up with, and a Shakespeare comedy with two lovely people tomorrow night to top it off.  Things are surely looking up.

More books!

Okay, I've given up on making it to fifty by my birthday, but I'm still making progress on the year's goal.

31. The devil in the white city : murder, magic, and madness at the fair that changed America Larson, Erik

32. Left neglected Genova, Lisa

33. Trial by fire : a novel of suspense Jance, Judith A.

34. What the night knows : a novel Koontz, Dean

35. The strain  del Toro, Guillermo 

The Devil in the White City was a great read, and I would recommend it highly to anyone interested in Chicago's history, architecture, or serial killers - or all three!  It chronicles the planning and building of the grounds of the World's Fair Columbian Exhibition, with a side plot telling the tale of a con man and murderer who was active in Chicago at that time.  I love history, and this book weaves together stories from historical documents and the author's imagination seamlessly.

The Strain was an interesting read as well - vampires as they should be: scary, mean, ruthless killers (as opposed to sappy, virginal, emo teen stalkers).  This was the first in a trilogy, and I picked it up because it's penned by the same man who wrote the script for Pan's Labyrinth, one of my all-time favourite movies.  It's well-written and interesting, and very very scary.  I'll definitely be reading the next in the trilogy soon.

Losing It

Being blessed with empathy is a mixed bag.  I'm not sure that empathy is even the right word; what I'm grateful for is understanding, a relationship that brings me immense gratitude for my own life and love for all those suffering in the world.

I've been watching much of the footage of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  Much of it brings me to tears, even photographs have me sobbing.  For every bit of footage of a destroyed house I can feel the horror of a family's loss.  For every terrified and sobbing relative interviewed, I can feel the ache of a parent missing a child.

Horror can be a blessing.  I say that because more than some, and less than others, of course, I can understand the pain these people are going through.  I know what it means to lose everything you have, but I also know that it can mean the opportunity for an entirely new life.

If I could say anything to the survivors of the disaster in Japan, it would be that life goes on.  It is precious because of it's delicacy, and while some losses - particularly people we loved - may seem as though they will never heal, there is always hope.  There is always the choice to step forward.  There is always someone in the world who will reach out a hand to help, and though it may be humbling at first, that love will heal you.  There is hope.  There is life.  There is beauty in the world.  There is a reason to move on.  It seems impossible when everything you've had is gone, but you have your memory, and you will have new moments to preserve.

Our boarded-up bedroom after the fire - the walls were completely gone.

I did not have to be plucked from a rooftop.  I did not have to struggle to find clean water.  I was luckier in so many ways than the survivors of this and other tragedies.  I know and appreciate this every day.  Even more, I appreciate what I do have, and those who reached out to Richard and I with love and support.  Some of you are probably here reading this blog, because many of you are on Facebook.  I think often of the ways you reached out to us, and encourage everyone to reach out, if they can, to others who are suffering.  The smallest things, like toiletries and clothing, can mean the world to someone who has nothing left.

Please support the Red Cross if you are able.  Please give and help where you can.  The people you touch will never, ever forget it.

Books, Books, Long and beautiful Books...

If you get the reference, you also get a cookie.  I made orange shortbread this week in my quest to find the best shortbread ever.  According to my husband, these were pretty much perfect.  They were really, really simple, too.  I gave one to the UPS man who delivered a parcel this week, and he seemed pretty impressed too. He happened to come to the door just as they were coming out of the oven, lucky guy.  Also, the box he was delivering was so abused by customs that I made him stay while I made sure the contents were intact, so the cookie was kind of a bribe.  Would have been bad luck for him if my first try on this recipe was a disaster!

Speaking of books, we finally have an ereader!  We were still cabin-feverish today, and so headed into the city again.  First stop, Second Cup.  Why are their iced espressos so incredibly addictive?  I like them even better than Tim Horton's Iced Capps, which is saying a lot.  Second stop, Chapters, where I immediately found five books I wanted upon walking in the door.  It doesn't help that they have their table with Book Club suggestions right up front... I get stalled there.  I was good though, wrote them all down to be taken out of the library.  Reading this many books in a year is dangerous business if you consider buying even some of them.

We did, however, go home with a Kobo reader.  With the Overdrive system available at our library, I stopped buying audiobooks about a year ago (I was previously a member of Audible.com for many years).  I was curious about the ebook collection, though, since it is so much larger than the audiobook collection, and with poking around a little we both found stuff we want to read in the available books.  Being able to download the ebooks for free makes it a valuable investment, especially for Richard as he travels for work, as he always likes to have a book with him if he's alone, and lugging the enormous hardcover fantasy novels he's fond of into restaurants and the like can be a little awkward.

And as to my 111 books challenge:

26. Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the worst Buddhist in the World Pipher, Mary

27. Lost Boy Jeffs, Brent

28. In The Woods French, Tana

29. Baby, we were meant for each other : in praise of adoption Simon, Scott

30. Hull zero three Bear, Greg

Three out of five non-fiction - that`s unusual for me, it`s usually only about 10% of what I read, but these three were all exceptional, particularly Lost Boy.  I`ve become interested in the subjects of polygamy and fundamentalist Mormon sects after becoming addicted to the TV drama Big Love, now in it`s last season. I read maybe three or four fictional books set in various fictional sects last year, including The 19th Wife which is spectacular, if anyone is interested in the same area.  Reading about the real life difficulties of a boy - a relative of the infamous Warren Jeffs no less - growing up in fundamentalist Mormonism was shocking, though.  I`ve always thought about the plight of the girls and women, but never much about the boys.  Many of the difficulties that boys face are chronicled, including losing most of the girls their age to relationships with much older men and, for those that do marry, having to figure out a way to support a large family on what is likely a low income because of a lack of education.  This was definitely fascinating and I highly recommend it.

In the Woods was another book I positively loved.  If you like Irish books and/or mysteries, this should be high on your to-read list.  I found it through my friend Sarah on Facebook, who recently wrote how much she liked the sequel to In the Woods, which I'll be requesting next... probably shortly after I finish writing this entry, actually.  It was another book about missing children and forested areas next to their home, a familiar subject after just reading The Weight of Silence, but entirely different from that novel, both from the POV of narration and the writing style, as well as of course the setting and the plot.  Both are worth a read, in my opinion, but this one might edge out the previous one a hint because of my genealogical connections to Ireland.

I believe in Grammar Nazis!

"I don't believe in guns."  Really?  My grandpa-in-law has some, I can take you over and show you some time.  They're real, I swear!

"I don't believe in gambling." Wow.  Have you ever heard of Vegas? It exists, I swear!

Okay, so I know this is a little thing, probably even tinier than the "hopefully" thing that dashed my husband's nerves to pieces when I would say things like, "Really?  You are going to go to the restaurant while full of hope for dinner?"

Personally, I don't particularly enjoy gambling and think it's a waste of money, and I don't carry much affection for guns, though they have their place in this world, but I do believe in them both.  'Cause, you know, they exist and all. I don't know why, but I've been noticing this particular little grammar faux pas showing up everywhere from movie dialogue to conversations with other people lately.

I worry sometimes about the future of the English language.  It's already confusing enough with all the little colloquialisms and regional slang, but when common errors become accepted parlance it's enough to make the grammarian in me shudder.  Woefully, not hopefully.  What common errors in grammar make the Grammar Nazi in you come out?

On Interaction

I want to take a second to say thank you, sincerely, to everyone who has commented here on my blog or on Facebook about my entries here.  There are times when I've felt a little bit like I'm tossing my words off into a great black void.  It's weird; if I don't show anyone my work - like those novels I wrote and lost in our fire before showing a soul - I don't feel nervous at all.  But it feels strange when you're writing and know it's out there somehow, that people can read it, that they might have read it.  Maybe they hated it! Oh god, maybe they think my writing reeks!  Maybe they think I'm a crazy pretentious nutcase!  No, that's only my husband and only because I do thinks like call him obdurate, and then he has to tell me he'd be offended if he knew what I was talking about.

Don't worry, I explained, and he agreed that my assessment was actually correct.

I've finished another five on my trek to read 111 books this year.  My goal to read 50 before my birthday might actually be in sight, though I have a feeling I'll fall a tiny bit short on that one.  Less than a month and a half to go and only halfway...

21. Sickened : the true story of a lost childhood Gregory, Julie

22. Hush: a novel White, Kate

23. The weight of silence Gudenkauf, Heather

24. Sh*t My Dad Says Halpern, Justin

25. Killer takes all Spindler, Erica

I need to not read memoirs involving child abuse any more.  Sickened had me sobbing through a great measure of the book, and feeling the need to go rescue the children in the tale and take them home and smother them with kisses and care.  I know the author is an adult, older than me as a matter of fact, but that didn't change the way my heart reacted.  No more of those for a while.

The Weight of Silence was positively wonderful, on the other hand.  It's a tale of abuse, and secrets, but is fiction so it didn't wreck my heart so horribly.  It's also full of suspense and twisty story lines to keep anyone intrigued.  The tale follows two little girls, best friends.  One has not spoken since she was four years old, due to a traumatic event she witnessed.  One reads her silent friend easily, and has become her voice.  When both mothers awake to discover their children missing one morning, vanished into the woods behind their homes, the ensuing search outs most of the family secrets they both hold. I recommend it highly.

Also, for those wondering how on earth I'm getting through so many books so fast, it's just a matter of setting priorities and choosing books over things like TV and net surfing and games and such.  Because some of the books are audio, I'll listen while I walk, clean the house, cook, work on needle craft or paper crafts and so on.  I have given up on a lot of TV, and haven't even watched one episode of American Idol this year, which will probably shock a good lot of you that've known me for a while.  Plus, I'm choosing all titles that really grab my interest, so that makes it fun.  A challenge like this shouldn't be a chore, but a blessing.

Why?

Why do I blog?

Back when I was first married, I was an avid LiveJournal-er.  I had bunches of friends, very few of whom I knew in the "real world" and wrote every day on what it was like to be a newlywed living in a new country under a pile of ice and snow.  I laid my struggles bare, and trumpeted my triumphs to the world, and I loved it. I loved the comments and the feeling of community, the expression of thoughts, ideas, dreams and painful moments as well.

Back when I was a high schooler and college student, I journaled in real books.  Cloth covered and leather bound, filled with a multitude of variously coloured pens, occasional drawings and horomone-induced rants and raves, they chronicled mood swings and lost romances to what I was sure would be enthralled archaeologists reading them in the next century.

After our "year of hell" in which my husband and I lost our daughter and our home in different incidents, I started journaling in a "real" book again, though it was an art journal this time.  It healed me, in many ways, because I kept track of all the reasons life was still beautiful.

Recently, my husband and I have been talking about why I found it hard to make friends in the past (in Grande Prairie) and why it's been easier since I've been in Strathmore.  I think that part of it has to do with being more willing to talk about myself, where in the past I've had a very hard time opening up to people.  I'm able, however, to open up very easily in writing.  So in a way, this is kind of practice for me.  Opening up about my writing is new to me.  Of course, writing internet content is new to me as well, so why not double the new?  I miss journalism, and I miss fiction writing, since I don't seem to have the time for it that I used to, but it's easy to blog in the little caught moments during the day.  It keeps me in practice, when I'm writing mountains of articles about things I don't really care about very much, both in writing from the heart and opening my heart.

I think much of what I've written has been critical of the companies I write for, but I am grateful for the chance to write for pay again, too.  I'm a little nostalgic feeling about Mahalo - I ranted about them a lot, and it's a little bittersweet that they're closed down for now.  Of course, until they pay me correctly (they still owe me back pay) I'll probably remain more bitter than sweet.  I'm angry that they seem to make policy changes - like on how they pay writers - without notification and you are left to sort out what happened yourself.  I'm angry that 75% of the emails I sent to my manager were never replied to, especially when I was having a problem and needed an answer, such as with the pay issue.  I'm sad that they can't seem to get themselves together, because most of the "management" people there seem like genuinely nice folks.

I feel less connected to people at DMS, probably because I don't participate much in the forums.  Yesterday, while trying to remedy that, I came across a post on the forum referencing another site, which is essentially a rant site about DMS.  Okay, so I'm familiar with "mean girl" forumnations.  Oh too familiar in some ways, but I was genuinely surprised that there was one at DMS, since for me, they've been the most positive experience I've had writing content (at least so far).  I was shocked at the number of people that talk about DMS being a scam or the fact that they are making money off of a writer's hard work.  This is nothing new in the world; everywhere I've worked I've had folks above me who made more money than I did, often for doing less work than I did, and have taken advantage of my willingness to work for a wage.  I don't think it's something you can escape from.  When I worked for a publishing company in the past, it was the same thing.  Yeah, sure, it was "real" journalism, which what I'm doing now isn't, not in any meaningful way.  But the publisher made more money than me.  I was asked to cover things (review art openings or plays) more for people who were big advertisers than for people who weren't, and occasionally I was asked to write articles about specific things that I wouldn't have chosen as my own topics.  That's the way life is.

I suppose I sound a little Pollyannaish - oh heck, lets go all the way Pollyanna, and play the glad game.  I'm glad I have a chance to write for pay.  I'm glad I can work from home or from places I travel to with my husband when he's travelling for work.  I'm glad to have money.  I'm glad to do something I like.  I'm glad that places like DMS exist, and I'm glad I can contribute to them.  I don't think that I'm a "part of the problem" or a bad person or a bad writer for writing for them, though that appears to be the consensus of some people who don't write for them.  Yep, they're a content farm.  Yep, a lot of the content they produce is fluff.  Yep, there's a demand for it.  If I'm not filling that demand, someone else will be, why not do my best to create quality in the content that's out there?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes....

Life has so many twists and turns.  Today, Mahalo fired all their guides.  Okay, maybe fired is a little harsh: they are "restructuring" and all guides have to write a little treatise on what their areas of expertise are.  Then, there'll be a month long pause in content creation, while the bosses decide who is worth keeping and who isn't.  I have a feeling that most people are going to fall into the "not worth keeping" area, partially because I think many, many of the pages on Mahalo are written poorly.  They are trying to shift toward hiring area experts instead of quality writers, which I think is a step halfway in the right direction.  Many of the pages suffer from poor grammar and style, which is partially because they don't pay the kind of compensation necessary to have a stable of highly qualified writers.  They also have such narrowly defined pages that it can be difficult to write quality copy that fits the minimum word requirement and fulfills the title of the page.

I'm not too worried.  I panicked, at first, then realized I still have DMS to write for, where I get paid more anyway.  And if Mahalo doesn't keep me, it'll be their loss I suppose. Funny that I preferred them when the pay was less.

For my petition to keep my job, I have to write about two areas of expertise and explain why I'm an expert.  I'm considering Education and Hobbies for my two, though Food and Drink might be a good option as well, since they seem to produce quite a few cooking pages.  My problem with that is, while I love to cook and have plenty of personal experience in the area, I don't have any education in that area, nor do I have proof that I'm an area "expert".  For Hobbies, I can point to classes I've taught and workshops I've participated in, things of that nature.  On the other hand, I don't think I've seen a single hobby page up in the queue since I started there.  They must be highly searched areas, since DMS has many many hobby type pages, several of which I've written for them, and DMS creates titles based on search engine stats.  Hmm.

Speaking of hobbies, I've been working more on my own designs.  I designed a scarf for my dad for his birthday in January, which I neglected to take a picture of (maybe I'll have to convince him to take one of him modeling it), and of course the laptop bag I recently posted.  I've also finished a cotton summer sweater which turned out beautifully and which I will hopefully eventually photograph as well.  It was inspired by a halter design I saw, though I changed nearly everything about it, including the material used to make it.

Front View

My latest design is a nice little short-sleeved shrug.  I had some lovely grey yarn, though not a lot of it, very soft and pretty and perfectly suited to a lightweight spring/summer shrug.  I searched and searched for a pattern, but nothing fit the idea I had in my head, so I went ahead and designed one myself.  I love that ruffles have come back into fashion with such a flourish - I'm a girly girl at heart and the recent push for ruffles and rosettes makes me happy.  That's what inspired the lettuce edge ruffle border on the shrug.

Rear View

While these pictures don't exactly do the item justice (it looks much better on) I hope that the subtle stripes on the back and the sideways garter stitch on the sleeves shows up a little bit.  The back was worked top to bottom in knit and purl stripes, while for the sleeves, I picked up stitches along the edge and worked them in sideways garter stitch for a different look.  The bottoms of the sleeves are finished with two rows of single crochet, as I find unfinished knit edges to be a little... well, unfinished looking.  The ruffle edge is also done in single crochet.  Mixing styles with both knit and crochet brings the best of both worlds to garments, in my opinion.  I need some tips for photographing things better, though, if anyone has some to share!I'm going to use the leftover yarn from this project to either trim a matching scarf or make a rosette for my hair.  Maybe both.  We'll see.

I'm thinking my next project might include granny squares.  They have a lot of nostalgia for me.  Maybe pinks and greens for a spring scarf, done in sport weight, a shiny yarn like luster sheen.  Or possibly crochet cotton, wagon wheel granny squares for another spring and summer shrug or sweater.  It's hard to decide!  I still haven't finished that teal tank sweater, and really, really ought to. The pattern stitch is small and complicated, and making a garment mostly in single crochet on a tiny hook takes a long, long time.  And lots of sport weight yarn, too.